GAA is laughing stock of the country….

I happened to be chatting to the man beside me at this year"s county hurling final - as one tends to do on such occasions. He told me of a humorous experience he had during his playing days, which only adds to the rich layer of GAA anecdotes that I"m sorry I did not write down over the years.My friend made his senior club debut as a teenage sub-goalie. He got his call-up when the regular goalie was injured playing against Rickardstown.What happened was that the peerless 'Jobber' McGrath drove a bullet of a shot which the goalie tried to catch, breaking two of his fingers for his trouble, so he had to go off! In comes our sub hero between the posts, armed with his trusted hurley and the optimism and determination of youth and hell bent on making a name for himself! He didn"t have long to wait for an opportunity to prove himself!The 'Jobber', soloing in, beats every tackle until he is all alone on the fourteen yard line. The young goalie sets himself as McGrath gets ready to 'unleash'. At precisely this moment, the umpire - who is a former player from the same club as the goalie - reaches in, grabs the shoulder of his jersey, and pulls the innocent goalie out of the goals!There is no greater wit than what you hear and see at hurling and football matches - all the more so because most often people are not trying to be funny; if anything the humour comes from people who are angry. An example of this is the one where the late Mick Gaye was attending a football match in Cusack Park and took certain umbrage at the manner in which the game was being refereed!He continued to direct abuse at the referee until the unfortunate whistle blower could take no more and confronted Mick with the words, 'Which of us is refereeing this match?' to which came the immortal reply, 'Neither of us!!'I am indebted to my Cork friend, Brian Kearney, for many great sports stories over the years, the best of which concerned the legendary, but aging, Cork County Chairman, Denis Conroy, whom Brian knew very well. County hurler, Jim Cashman, was being awarded with the B&I player of the month. In his capacity as chairman, Mr Conroy was invited to Dublin for the presentation and afterwards he stepped forward to say a few words - something he was never shy of! 'I knew Tom Cashman, he is a great hurler and I shook his hand. I knew his father, Mick Cashman: he was a great hurler and I shook his hand too. Jim Cashman is a great hurler and I never shook his hand - but I"m going to shake it now!' With this, the bould Denis strides purposely from the podium, marches past Jim Cashman and shakes the hand of the Irish Press reporter!Another one of Brian"s is about popular player, Dinny Allen, who played both GAA and soccer for Cork. Near the end of his career, Dinny lined out for Cork City at the Mardyke and wasn"t having the best of games. In fact, there wasn"t much excitement at all until a terrier dog ran onto the pitch and began to interfere with play. The ref stopped play and the biggest cheer of the night came when Dinny dived and caught the little dog. Walking towards the sideline, with the dog in his arms, a wag in the crowd shouts in; 'Yerra Dinny, leave that lively dog where he is and take "urself off!'We hear of hilarious comments at matches in every county. After Tipperary were hammered by Clare, a friend approached Tipp player Eddie Tucker and consoled him with these words: 'What about it Eddie, it wasn"t your fault … it"s the feckin eegits that picked ya!'In a Derry club football game, a young fellow hadn"t touched the ball as his team was being trounced. Near the end the exasperated manager shouted in; 'McCann, I"m taking you off.' 'But we have no sub to come on', the player shouts back. After the briefest of pauses the demented manager screams; 'I"m taking you off anyway!'Next we cross the Shannon to where a stormy AGM was taking place at a well known Galway amalgamated hurling club, where the chairman was noted for his 'agricultural' language! The new priest to the parish finally stood up in an attempt to restore order. He concluded by appealing to all to 'forget their differences, pull together for the sake of the club and try and see their function as a unifying force for good'. The chairman stood up: 'Thank you very much for that now, Father, but that"s the kind of s***e that sickens my h**e!'Players need a thick skin for the cruel jibes sometimes hurled at them. When Conor Mortimer missed a close-in free, an old fellow at the back of the goal jumped up screaming; 'Jesus, if only Lee Harvey Oswald had been a Mayo man, JFK would still be alive!' But the cruelest jibe of all has to be the one overheard at a Dublin junior club game. This big woman was shouting terrible abuse at her own team, with one of the corner backs appearing to be singled out for the worst of her spleen. 'Would yiz ever take off that number 4, the useless fat gobshite.' A man beside her turned and admonished her, saying; 'Mrs, there"s no need for that sort of language and how would you like if someone said that about your son?' She replied; 'That useless gobshite is my son!!'But if you like your GAA laughs packaged, get your hands on the amateur recording of the 1992 Tipperary U-21 football final by Eddie Morroney. Eddie starts off being fair to all, unruffled and unbiased, but as the closely fought match progresses and his team comes under pressure - so does Eddie. He loses it completely and I never tire of looking at that video!Don"t ForgetA democracy is a place where you can say what you please and don"t have to listen unless you want to.(Readers" comments always welcome. email: bernie.comaskey@gmail.com)