Even God can"t lift a bald man by the hair of the head!

These days we get new jokes almost every day: Topical, colourful and often cruel, the jokes are spawned across the country in minutes by text and email.We brats going to Johnstown National School rarely ever got a new joke - so the few we had were repeated over and over, year after year.The most frequently used one was during or after catechism in response to the question; 'What can God do?' No sooner would the official 'God can do all things' answer be called out than there would be a race to see who could get in first with the whispered snigger, 'he can"t lift a bald man by the hair of the head.'This is true indeed no matter how you try to fathom it; but why do some men go bald, whilst others don"t and why do most women retain their hair and a few don"t? To complicate that last question even further, I heard one time that baldness is inherited from the mother - but let us not pursue that line of questioning!I have given up saying that I never mind going grey as long as I keep my hair, in deference to the ever increasing number of my friends who find themselves joining the bald brigade. However, good news is on the way for the one in seven who carries the baldy gene and there is hope that in the future he may be able to brandish a fine distinguished head of hair like mine. Professor Tim Spector of Kings College, London has led a study which claims to have identified DNA linked to baldness. This is what he says: 'Early predictions before hair loss starts may lead to some interesting therapies that are more effective than treating late stage hair loss. It will encourage pharmaceutical companies to produce preventative lotions that will stimulate hair fallacies before it is too late.' "Janey Mac", he doesn"t appear to be too certain about it now, does he? Could this be another case of 'live horse and you"ll get grass' - or 'live man and you"ll get hair'?Maybe some men don"t mind being bald? 'Grass never grows on a busy street', a pal tells me; or another one is, 'God only made so many perfect heads and the rest he covered with hair!' 'Women go mad for bald men' I overheard my son"s shaven headed friend remark. Could there be truth in this lads? I"m reluctant to bring up the next gem of information but it has even been claimed that baldness is as a result of an overabundance of testosterone - but perhaps that"s just a chat-up line! We all know that Yul Brynner, Sean Connery and Kojak became sex symbols for their baldness and Mussolini caused Italian women to go weak at the knees and half the men to shave their heads. The Italian love affair with baldness ceased after they hung hairless Mussolini upside down and the sale of caps soared. Another shaved head that went wrong was that of Samson"s: A small cautionary word here lads if she keeps hinting that you shave it off; think of Samson: Delilah wouldn"t let go of it until she cut Samson"s hair and the word on the street is that he was feck all good to her after it.Of course there are practical advantages to being bald. Dandruff on the collar of your jacket ceases to be a problem. In the men"s washroom you don"t have to tap your inside pocket before asking the guy at the mirror to borrow his comb. Washing only takes seconds and no shampoo, gel, hair spray or mousse is ever required and you never have to go to the barber. Being happy with how God made you is the main thing - no matter how he tries to lift you. If you"re bald, you"re bald and I always admire a man who stands up for his baldness, rather than the guy who combs his last three remaining ribs of hair across the centre of his egg-bald head. These are the sort of guys that the 'cure for baldness' people make a fortune from. No later than last Saturday I saw a readers offer advertisement in a national newspaper for a 'power grow comb' which will 'stop hair loss and make your hair grow thicker, stronger and healthier.' Far be it from this column to imply that anything might not work in these litigious and recessionary times - so buy away!But back to the experts and their new findings: Brent Richards of Montreal"s McGill University, who worked on the aforementioned research said; 'We"ve only identified a cause. Treating male pattern baldness will require more research, but of course, the first step in finding a way to treat most conditions is to identify the cause.' Looks like we"re talking time again here folks but I wonder would the 'power grow comb' keep things going until the cause is finally identified!?About a third of men are mowed bare by male pattern baldness by the age of 45 and this is doubled by the age of 60. This new research indicates that 14% of men have this bald gene and 70% of these will go bald early.So there you have it folks; the pros and cons of going bald or keeping your hair on. Even though Sean Connery was voted the sexiest man alive, at the age of 73, my preference hasn"t changed. When I"m sinking for the third time, I want someone to be able to yank me out by the hair of the head!!Don"t Forget.The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself: Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. (George Bernard Shaw.)