Killucan, Turin, Bracklyn and Clonlost on high alert footing!

Fame at last! On the map! The centre of attention! I always knew that around the townsland of Graftonstown was God"s garden, but only on reading 'Backchat' in this newspaper last week...have I been informed that beings from outer space are casting their beady eyes over my property and that of my neighbours.'Backchat' wrote that there is a widespread belief that these are space aliens and UFOs, writing that The Sun newspaper also reported stories of unidentified flying objects and strange lights hovering over Bracklyn, Killucan, Clonlost and Turin.I don"t read The Sun, but if 'Backchat' prints it, that is good enough for me; so along with my mobilised neighbours, we are taking these reports seriously.'Regardless of the source, this peculiar light phenomenon does exist in this part of Westmeath', says 'Backchat'. Holy God! This will take the recession off the front page! After reading the report last night I went outside and walked round the house, looking up to see what was there. Just as I thought I saw a strange light in the sky I fell over the dog and the light became stars. 'If you see anything strange or bizarre, contact us,' concluded 'Backchat'.Now that is one trap I"m not going to fall into; I see strange and bizarre things here every day, but I sure as hell don"t wish to be sued by my neighbours in these recessionary times.Of course I believe they are up there - those little green men with horns. Can 'Backchat' tell me the difference between little green men and little green women, because they all look the same to me?They are entitled to be different and to have their own culture and stuff. Why would any race evolving in a distant galaxy over millions of years want to look or act like us? We remain painfully primitive on this planet, while those outer space aliens communicate telepathically as they glide over my farm. These saucer-eyed men (maybe they don"t even need women) are able to travel to other galaxies in the twinkling of an eye. How they must sneer (telepathically of course) at another neighbour, Michael O"Leary, because it takes him over two hours to fly me from Dublin to Murcia. Could this saucer squadron be targeting a Ryanair takeover? Please don"t make them angry, Michael!Carl Nally, co-founder of 'UFO and Paranormal Research Ireland' claimed other sightings last year. 'What we have here is sightings of these objects East, West and South-East of Dublin Airport, each five days apart by reliable and trained observers and even since I have arrived I have received another image from a pilot,' said Mr Nally. Last August, James Peppard, a Fianna Fáil councillor from Trim - who naturally has to tell the truth - was reported as having seen 'a triangular-shaped object, about a mile in diameter hanging over Trim.'It is clear now that this was a fleet of spaceships en route from Dublin Airport to their destination in north Westmeath. I have tried to rally the neighbours to form a local defence unit in case of the worst, but all they do is look funny at me. Worse, omerta would have appeared to have set in, and I can"t find anyone who hasn"t 'seen nothin"'. This is all in keeping with Carl Nally"s theory that there is a conspiracy of silence on UFOs in Ireland and our Government conspires to suppress the proof that extra-terrestrials are about to land on my doorstep.This is the sort of silence which allowed Hitler to take over half the world, and I refuse to stay quiet. One of the few civilians to stand up to Hitler was Tom Grimes from Kilcumney, who upon hearing that Hitler proposed using Irish women to improve the Master Race bravely proclaimed that 'if Hitler comes to take my poor old sister, it will be over my dead body'. I can do no better than replicate Tom"s stance, and if it is my wife those little green men are after… well, they will have to negotiate at least!My neighbours are calm, sensible people who don"t drink too much nor sniff creosote, but could they be afraid that nobody will believe what they are seeing? A source close to someone who spoke to a guy who may have admitted to seeing strange yokes refused to make any statement for this column. Meanwhile, the last man to leave The Camán Inn after a weekend of celebrations to mark the elevation of Killough to Cape Canaveral-like status, said that he observed all the strange happenings in the sky, and woke up the next day with red eyes.I went out looking for crop circles, before realising that we don"t have crops at this time of year. My two year old grandson asked me if ET was staying at my house - I suspect his mother of prompting the question, and I resent being a subject of fun at this time of crisis.Why have these UFOs chosen Bracklyn? Perhaps this area is more in tune with the cosmos? I even have a brother who is called 'Cosmo'. Is something bothering these little green men? Are they trying to figure out why Delvin hasn"t won a senior hurling championship in over half a century? Maybe they are having a count-the-potholes competition - by telepathy of course. Are they trying to figure out what I am doing with a bank of wet turf on Bracklyn Bog in the month of February?This emergency has brought out the best in me, and I feel I am dealing with it in a calm and reasonable manner. I don"t wish to panic but it is now every man for himself. I rooted out a few old rusty galvanised sheets which my uncle saved thirty years ago. Down here in the sandpit where I now sit in my hastily erected bunker, I scan the skies through the holes in the sheets. Have you ever had that 'they"re coming to take me away' feeling?Don"t forgetThe difference between our friends and our enemies is that our friends like us in spite of our faults, while our enemies hate us in spite of our virtues.