All in All the future is Black

Big Jack is back on our TV screens again, or at least his Andy Capp-like caricature is, telling us how to save on our energy costs. Another Eddie Hobbs the big Geordie isn't, but his infamous “put ‘em under pressure” catchphrase comes to mind instantly when considering the enormity of expectation facing the mighty All Blacks on home soil next year as they attempt to bridge an astonishing 24-year gap since they won the inaugural rugby World Cup in 1987. However, their preparation is likely to include yet another slaughter of the innocents next Saturday in the Aviva Stadium, with Declan Kidney's Irish XV seemingly set for a hammering from the visitors.Despite Jack Charlton's best efforts to save us a few euro, the vast majority of us are struggling financially and who could have possibly envisaged the plethora of empty seats in our brand new state-of-the-art stadium when the Springboks launched international rugby there recently?However, despite the South Africans being the holders of the William Webb Ellis Cup, they are never quite as big a draw as the awesome All Blacks when they come to town, and it is hard to envisage anything less than a full house in Lansdowne Road next Saturday at 5.30 pm, irrespective of black market (or all-black market) prices for folk who may end up dining on free cheese this Christmas rather than turkey and ham.With air travel improved beyond recognition since the bygone days of long tours to these islands by the New Zealanders, perhaps the sheen has somewhat gone off the internationals between the ‘home nations' and the side who don the famous silver fern. A New Zealand v. Ireland test match is now almost an annual event, but our inability to defeat the Kiwis has not altered despite the increasing number of opportunities and the alleged levelling of standards due to professionalism.As a naïve 16-year-old I attended my first rugby international in Lansdowne Road in January 1973. A 10-10 draw was achieved against Ian Kirkpatrick's All Blacks, with the tourists very fortunate that Barry McGann's last-gasp conversion of Tom Grace's dramatic try shaved the post rather than adding the two points which would have sealed victory.Little did I know then that we were destined to suffer defeat after defeat (17 in all) to the New Zealanders over the ensuing 37 years (to add to the previous five out of five in 68 years), with some almighty hammerings thrown in for good measure. The worst was 59-6 in 1992, a backlash for having had the audacity to go mightily close a week earlier (24-21).In truth, a hammering looks on the cards next Saturday, given that with Richie McCaw and his colleagues massacred Scotland in Murrayfield last Saturday and that Declan Kidney's charges have been, at best, average throughout 2010. A glance through the All Blacks' stats over the years makes for depressing reading for the four nations who comprise the British and Irish Lions. Only England with six wins and a draw have any degree of respectability against the New Zealanders, who still have a 79.4% success rate against the ‘chariot-swingers'. Wales have three wins but are at the wrong end of an 88.9% statistic. Scotland have managed two draws in their 92.9% mauling.I was absolutely certain that the All Blacks would win the last World Cup in 2007. However, France stopped them in their tracks and Les Bleus are one of at most four (South Africa, Australia and, like it or lump it, England are the others) who have the remotest chance of preventing a home win in next year‘s showpiece. The pressure on the host nation to finally deliver will be nigh on unbearable. But bear it they must or Graham Henry and his charges will be seeking out Aung San Suu Kyi's house for some relaxing years of house arrest! The jokes doing the rounds in New Zealand after their failure in France three years ago were ten a penny, varying from witty to deeply offensive. A selection follows:What's the difference between the All Blacks and an arsonist? An arsonist wouldn't waste five matches; What do you call 15 guys sitting around the TV watching the rugby World Cup final? The All Blacks; Why did Graham Henry go to a ball dressed as a pumpkin? Because he hoped when the clock struck midnight he would turn into a coach; Graham Henry has a busy day and tells the team just to practice passing round some plastic cones for training. After 80 minutes he sees them trudging back looking depressed. “How did the session go lads?” he asks. “The cones won 18-12,” replies Richie McCaw.Did you hear NZ Post has just recalled their latest batch of stamps? They had photos of All Blacks on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on; Did you hear that thieves broke into the All Blacks' trophy room last night? Police are appealing for information on the whereabouts of a glass cabinet and a carpet; What do you do for a drowning New Zealand Rugby player? Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.However, the odds about the likes of Richie McCaw and Mils Muliaina (both destined to overtake Sean Fitzpatrick's record cap haul) choking in Dublin 4 next Saturday are very large indeed. I read recently of a book on the market where celebrities are asked to write an imaginary letter to themselves aged 16, offering words of wisdom gained from life's experiences in the intervening period. Mine could well read: “Enjoy the 10-10 draw against the All Blacks, Gerry. It will be the best result you will ever see.”