Home insteadquestions from our readers

Did Dad Hit a Lamp Post?
A neighbour of your 83 year old dad has called to tell you he saw your father back his car into a lamp post.  What do you say?
If the damage is visible, you could ask, “Hey Dad, what happened to your car?”  Or you could bring up the phone call from his neighbour. “Fred from next door called and said he saw you run your car into the lamp post.”  This is an example of a situation that calls for more general observation.  Take the opportunity to drive with your parent.  Even a short drive would help you gauge your dad’s skills and deficits.
For instance, an older adult who consciously reduces driving at night because of vision issues or who drives a little slower to account for reaction time is probably safe.  On the other hand, an 83-year-old who insists on driving on icy roads at night while doing 120 kph is probably in need of immediate intervention.  Then gear your comments accordingly.  If you’re concerned that your dad is unsafe on the roads, make his safety and that of others your focus. “Dad, I’m worried that you’re no longer safe on the roads and that others could be at risk as well.”

A Senior Moment or Something More?
You’ve just stopped by your parent’s house and for the second time in a month, noticed that your 70-year-old mother has forgotten the name of a close friend.  Is it Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, a senior moment or just a passing phase?   More importantly, how do you find out?
Make sure you consider your mum’s history and personality so that you can determine if this is a change.  Some people have always been bad with names, but if your mum is forgetting a close friend’s name and you notice signs of deterioration, you might way: “Mum, perhaps you should see a doctor and get checked out.  I’m sure it’s nothing, but it would really put my mind at ease if you’d let a doctor make sure your memory is O.K.”   Such a conversation starter focuses on the positive not the negative.

When the House is a Mess
You find that your 77-year-old mother’s house is often in disarray when you visit.  You believe it’s time for her to make a change in her living arrangement.  What do you say?
Observation and careful attention to the problem should be your first course of action.  Avoid diagnosing a problem and deciding on a solution quickly.  Approach your mother with a sense of working together to find a solution rather than telling her what to do.  The specific circumstances – such as financial constraints – may be relevant.  Is the problem simply that your mother is physically challenged by strenuous housework or is she deteriorating mentally?  Does she just need help tidying up around the house or are other aspects of her personal care, such as bathing, going downhill?
Assuming that the problem is physical – where activities such as vacuuming or bending are becoming issues – then begin the conversation with an offer: “Mum, I have some extra cash.  What do you say we find someone to help with you with the heavy stuff, like vacuuming?  It will be my treat.”  Seniors are often very willing to accept help around the house.  And most communicates have ample resources such as cleaning services and companies like Home Instead Senior Care that can help.