A lifelong journey of grief: coping with the loss of a child

The grief the loss of a child brings deep emotions, regardless of whether that death comes at an early age or in adulthood, and it is really only parents who have suffered the death of a child fully understand what other bereaved parents go through, says Sharon Vard, who oversees services at Anam Cara.

Bringing parents together to support each other is the raison d’etre of the charity: “It is a national organisation that was set up to support bereaved parents who have suffered the death of their child, regardless of their child’s age or the circumstances of their death,” explains Sharon.

There are 14 centres across the island of Ireland where meetings are held, and Mullingar is the venue for the midlands get-togethers.

Parents can come and go to support meetings as and when they wish; there’s no obligation to register; there’s no obligation to share their own stories or their own feelings; the level to which they get involved is entirely up to them. “Some parents stay on and become volunteer parents, reaching a hand back to support other bereaved parents who are just starting their journeys. We have quite a number of volunteer parents connected to our groups around the country.

“And then other parents will come religiously every month for a period of time, and then maybe just drop in as needed.”

Sharon is a parent who has been through bereavement, and says one thing the experience made her realise is that coping with the grief is a lifelong journey: “There will always be milestones, even when you’re 20 years on. It could be the date that marks what would have been your baby’s 21st birthday, for example. So you have ongoing milestones, and I think that’s where our groups can help.

“They are open, drop-in groups, and they provide a place where people understand – even if it’s 10 or 15 years later – why a particular date or milestone might be tough for you.”

Parents who lose an adult child can endure a different experience than those who suffer the death of a younger offspring. “We all know that there’s no ideal age for a child to die, and in fact, when you get your son or daughter to a certain age and you think you’ve done your best to protect and raise them, and then something happens – either a serious illness or an accident – it’s absolutely devastating.

“If they’re adult children… who have maybe married and have children of their own, sometimes [the parents] are not even the primary griever, even though they will be as devastated as any parent. It will be their wife and children who get the outpouring of sympathy, and the parents are sometimes just pushed to the side, even though they are devastated also and devastated for their grandchildren who have lost their parent, or for their daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Sometimes the grandparents grieve twice.”

After a death, those left behind are likely to be dealing with feelings they have not experienced before.

“The focus of Anam Cara is peer support, because at the end of the day, it’s only another bereaved mam or dad who really gets it and understands,” Sharon continues.

“For newly bereaved parents coming in to Anam Cara and meeting other parents, there’s never any pressure for them to talk. Some parents just like and absorb the meeting – not even ‘observe’ but absorb it, but I think what happens at those Anam Cara meetings is that they realise that they’re not going mad, that what they’re going through, even though it is not right in any sense of the natural order of life, is normal.

“We would encourage people just to drop in. They don’t have to be any length post-bereavement. Some people say, ‘Do I come early or do I come years into my loss?’ It doesn’t matter: come when you feel that you’re able to come. Even if Anam Cara is not the group for you, we can link in with other organisations and we also have resources at the meetings parents can take away with them, including our information pack that has eight leaflets.

“And then we link them into our website, which has podcasts and other resources as well.”

With Christmas just behind us, the new year can bring its specific challenges: “For a lot of parents, it can be tough, because it means they’re a year further away from their child’s childhood. It puts it into another context altogether. So it can be tough. The new year can be very tough. But you know, again, the support groups are there to help, and the brighter evenings are coming… and ultimately, what Anam Cara offers to recently bereaved parents is hope, that they will continue to heal and find the resilience they need to get on with their lives again.”

For more information on the support services offer by Anam Cara, please call 085 2888888, email info@anamcara.ie or see www.anamcara.ie