‘Let them at it’, says God

‘Who made the world?’ ‘God made the world.’ That was the first question and answer in the school catechism, back in old God’s time.

It is a long time ago now since God made the world; more than four billion years – if the scientists know anything about it. Since the beginning of time there were always those who talked about ‘the end of the world’. From time to time a self-proclaimed prophet, or some sect or other, would tell us all to repent because the end is nigh, and they even sometimes give a date, which comes and goes.

But how long is the world meant to last? If something is made, then by definition, can’t it be unmade? Everything that is made has a life-span and therefore the world has to end some day?

This week we are so excited in YCBS, because we have an exclusive for you about the ending of the world. A reliable source in the great beyond has passed on details of a meeting which took place in heaven last week. Actually, it was much more than a meeting. Read on please…

Every hundred years or so, God convenes an assembly to exchange ideas on matters of grave importance to heaven and earth. One such convention has just concluded and our soul-source has forwarded the following report. That this columnist was singled out to be the closest thing to ‘a saint on earth’ is neither here nor there.

Everything had being going swimmingly in heaven for a couple of billion years. Not a word of disharmony; but then, out of nowhere, murmurings were heard from a small fringe group that no more souls should be taken in. A sign appeared outside the golden gates saying, ‘Heaven is full’. Peter had a quiet word with God, and immediately the words ‘Hell isn’t full yet’ were added… and the old Hellsfire Express pulled up outside and the selfish dissenters were escorted on board.

All awaited the arrival of God to chair the meeting which would decide the future of the world. The apostles were back in full numbers, Judas having successfully appealed his conviction. ‘He wouldn’t be the first or last to take the wrong side of history,’ declared a merciful God.

Job was there well before the rest of them and showed no signs of boredom or impatience, but Doubting Thomas wondered if the main man would show at all – ‘on account of the catastrophic state of the world’. The grapes and figs were passed around and consumed with gusto by all except for one man, who was seen chewing a bit of gum. ‘Is your husband not well?’ a soul asked Eve. ‘Oh he’s fine,’ replied Eve, ‘but I haven’t been able to get him to eat a bit of fruit for billions of years.’

God arrived in to a standing ovation – just like an Ard Feis. His mother, Mary, sat in the front row,beaming that smile of pride that only a mother can muster. She didn’t want to show it, so in typical mammy fashion, she turned to Granny Anne and Grandad Joachim behind her and murmured loud enough for all to hear: ‘I keep telling that fella he needs to get a haircut.’

There was only one item on the agenda; ‘Is it finally time to end the world?’

As was to be expected, there were many contributions from the floor and some lively debate. St Patrick said that decision should have been made a hundred years ago while the thing was still half right. He did add that it was lucky that the Irish people of the last century gave so many pennies to the black babies, ‘because soon they would be the only priests in Ireland’.

When everybody had got tired talking about the proposal, except Job, of course, the following motion was carried unanimously; ‘After four and half billion years of humans running Earth, this holy assembly has come to the verdict that life on Earth should end.’

God hadn’t said a word on the subject, and of course all were wondering how he was going to implement the findings of the assembly. Mary turned to Joseph and asked: ‘What do you think he will do?’ She should have known better; Joseph had been hit with so many surprises in his lifetime that he didn’t venture an opinion on anything since the three kings arrived in the stable.

Finally, Noah, who had always been especially close to God, asked the question; ‘Is the world to end my Lord?’ ‘Yes,’ replied God softly. ‘How is it going to happen, what are you going to do?’ a chorus of chants went up from the back. ‘I am going to do nothing,’ said God. ‘But you said it is time for the world to end, so surely you have to make it happen?’

‘No, I don’t need to lift a hand to end it,’ God said. ‘You see, if you look down there right now, you’ll see they are doing the job themselves…’

Don’t Forget

God doesn’t do deals.