‘I went on Liveline to help other people dealing with anxiety’
Jimmy Keary bravely spoke to Joe Duffy on Liveline last week about anxiety he dealt with last year; the Westmeath Examiner asked Jimmy to elaborate and share his thoughts
Q: Why did you contact Liveline to talk about your mental health? Do you think it helped?
A: I contacted Liveline in the hope of helping fellow sufferers of depression and anxiety see that they were not alone by sharing with them what I had gone through. I hoped to show them that suffering from depression is nothing to be ashamed of and that talking about it does help. I have found that talking about my depression has helped to lessen the dark bogeyman in the corner and also that it has opened the door to let others in to my life.
The word ‘depression’ has to be normalised and not associated with stigma and shame. Since I started sharing my experience with people, it is surprising how many of them have told me that they noticed how bad I was looking at the time but yet never said anything to me. My openness had now allowed them to say it.
I wanted to give something back in thanks for being able to live my life again, something which at one time last year I thought I would never be able to do. With regard to how it helped me, it was another step on the road to recovery by being able to talk openly about what I had gone through.
Q: What was the main element of your mental health that caused you distress? How did it manifest?
A: It was the constant high level of anxiety I was suffering that was the most difficult for me. I had never experienced that level of anxiety before. All I could think of were the worst possible solutions to my problems. For example, the leaking roof would lead to water coming through the ceiling or maybe the ceiling collapsing; my range would give up in the middle of winter and I would be left in the freezing cold; and the mice in the house, although a seemingly silly, minor problem, was, if you like, the straw that broke the camel’s back.
With no wife or partner to share these problems, molehills became mountains in my head. I remember at one desperate moment wringing my hands and saying aloud over and over: ‘what am I going to do?’.
These exaggerated and irrational feelings of anxiety fuelled my depression and all that went with it. I began to experience trouble eating and swallowing. I had to try to eat soft foods and eat quickly – otherwise I would start retching. I was barely sleeping at all. I started going to bed at the ridiculously early hour of 9.30pm, sometimes getting ready for bed an hour earlier – and this in the summertime when it was still bright.
Usually I would be wide awake by 1am and not be able to get back to sleep, twisting and turning for most of the rest of the night. Sometimes I had to get up at 4am to make the bed again as it had become so tossed. Early in the morning I would start to cough violently, usually resulting in retching.
When it was time to get up, I had no energy to face the day. Usually I would have to lie back on the bed frequently during the day, but that served absolutely no purpose as I was up and down like a yo-yo and pacing the floor.
I became a virtual recluse, not wanting to see or talk to anyone. If someone rang, I would be wishing for the conversation to end and for the person to hang up. My brain and my mental function were tired. I found it difficult to take in what the person was saying to me and equally difficult to reply to what was said.
My answers would usually be ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or a simple nod of the head. If I went out, I was hoping I would not bump into anyone I knew who would stop and talk to me. Looking back, I am sure I was heading for a breakdown.
I lost interest in everything. Whereas once there was the sound of music and television in the house, now there was silence.
The only thing I managed to hold on to was my playwriting and I am not sure how I managed to do that. I was trying to write comedy while feeling anything but funny.
But the determination to finish the play somehow kept me going. And I eventually did manage to finish it and it had its first production in Portumna, County Galway in November.
Q: What has been the reaction to your appearance on Liveline?
A: It has been hugely positive and congratulatory. One lady – a retired psychiatric nurse – contacted me to congratulate me and to say how much good I had done by going on the radio. I really appreciated those words and they really hit home. A few people even contacted me looking for help.
Of course, I cannot give advice as I am not a trained professional, but what those people really needed was a listening ear – someone to understand them and to take their problem seriously. And that is what I provided.
Often a loved one can find it difficult to understand depression in a partner or to accept it. But it is essential. Otherwise the victim is fighting a battle from within and without.
Q: Are there sufficient supports in rural Ireland for people with mental distress? What would you suggest to improve matters?
A: I am afraid I cannot comment on what supports there are in rural Ireland for people with mental distress as the only person I dealt with was my doctor. But I will say that something needs to be done to help doctors with huge workloads.
Sometimes one has to wait two or three weeks to get an appointment with a doctor. That is far too long for someone with mental difficulties to have to wait. He/she could be dead and buried in that length of time. One time, not so long ago, it was possible to phone a health centre and get an appointment to see a doctor the same day. But it is not like that any more.
The answer is to pay doctors enough and improve their ludicrous working conditions so that they are not rushing to board the first plane out of the country the minute they are qualified. It is going to get far worse unless something radical is done – and soon!
Q: What is your view on the use of medication in dealing with mental distress?
A: I cannot really comment on the use of medication as I have only used the one tablet. I was fortunate that the first tablet I was given worked. When I was prescribed the tablet, I was worried about taking it as I did not know what effect it would have on me. My doctor assured me that it was not addictive, but I was still worried.
However, I am so glad I took it and stuck with it, as it has turned my life around. Without it, I probably would not be feeling as good as I am today. And because my life has turned around, I see everything much clearer now.
Q: What can someone suffering from anxiety do to help themselves?
A: I know it is hard to motivate yourself when you are struggling with anxiety and depression, but please talk to a family member or close friend. Open that door and let someone be your second to support.
Your head can be a lonely and corrosive place on your own. And do not be afraid to say the word ‘depression’. It has to be normalised and not hidden away like some dark and dreadful secret. I know it will not be easy the first few times, but it will become easier and you will find that you will become more confident saying it.
Apart from the medication, I have found that talking about my depression has been of tremendous value.
When and if you feel strong enough, reach out to fellow sufferers and offer your help. No one understands depression and anxiety better than a fellow sufferer. I
If you are like me, you will find that helping other people is a great antidote to your own problems.
Go for walks and keep out of the house as much as possible. Getting lost in nature is a great way of clearing the mind.
Try to get involved in projects or voluntary work in your local community or nearby town.
Apart from passing the time, doing that sort of work occupies your mind and gives you less time to think.
If anyone reading this is suffering from anxiety or depression, I just want to talk to you directly and tell you that you are not alone. I also want to tell you that what you are going through is real and you are not losing your mind. It is part of who you are and not something of which you need to feel shame.
Reach out to someone close and let them share your struggle. And believe that the days will get brighter and the shadows will recede.