Have you built your bunker yet?

Has the thought yet crossed your mind, dear reader, about building a bunker in your back garden or underneath your house? In this weird and crazy world we now find ourselves inhabiting, one of the fastest growing businesses in America is professional bunker building construction. Particularly among rich folk, there is a rush to install bunkers to save them from the Armageddon they see on the horizon. Demand has trebled since Mr Trump was elected as conductor of what, according to some, may be the last great act.

Like a lot of things in life, the mere fact of owning the thing is one of the positive dividends. Psychological comfort in times of uncertainty is the number one sales pitch from your budding bunker building bloke. Security and preparedness against all threats including nuclear, biological and chemical contamination, the man said. Your bunker will have a built-in power system and filtration units for air and water are all included in the price.

All of this scary stuff got me thinking as to how we Irish might go about bunkering down for the big bang. I happened to be in the pub and noticed the Lads engaged in what looked like a serious meeting down at the other end of the counter. Moran beckoned me down… always a sign that they know more about whatever is under discussion than I do. So I picked up my tonic water and headed down. Moran is a ‘Dub’ and nobody can remember what his real name is. It goes back to him wearing his sky-blue Dublin shirt with the number 6 on the back in honour of Kevin Moran. Then when Kevin moved to Man U, ‘Moran’ switched to a red jersey again with another number 6, but this time with ‘Moran’ emblazoned on the back. The Lads are very good at renaming a subject,

Brendan had the floor, in recognition of the fact that he spent two hours one night showing us how to build an airplane from the ground up. ‘Comaskey’ (that’s what he always calls me) ‘nuclear fallout isn’t far away and I have just shown the Lads here the best way to build a bunker. Now we just want everybody’s input as to what we need to store for our survival. We’ll start with one thing; if there was just one item you could take underground, what would that be?’ They were all looking at me. ‘And don’t say your family, Comaskey. They are safe in bunkers in Spain and Westport.

‘I’d have to think about it Brendan; but a radio, books and writing material spring to mind.’

‘I’m asking you all the same question’, said Brendan… looking around him. ‘Just one item for a start, something you would consider to be the most important thing in the world. We’ll start with you, Mark.’ The Lads respected the fact that Mark had an excitable stammer; and so he got first shot at it so the other Lads could carry on the conversation before Mark got to finish his sentence.

‘S… sh… shi…Si… Sio… Siobh….’

‘Mine would be a keg of Guinness’, Brendan, interjected Tommy – while shaving a moustache of froth with the back of his hand. Three hands went up to signal that as their first choice also.

‘Shiobh… Shi…. Siobhan…. Ri…Ry… Ryan’, concluded Mark. Moran butted in here to explain to anybody who didn’t already know that Mark had a thing big time for RTÉ weather woman, Siobhan Ryan.

It was left at that for the time being.

Tommy said that some vitally essential items were being forgotten about. How much food could be stored; change of clothes, first aid, torches… in case the power failed and so on.

Ned, the deep thinker of the group, and who had said nothing up until now – other than putting his hand up to book his keg of Guinness, now spoke in a quiet voice. ‘We need to be serious about this,’ he said. ‘Those rich Americans, like the Kardashians, get all the publicity when they build their bunkers, but do you know that in Switzerland there are already enough bunkers to accommodate every citizen in that country?’

I chipped in with something I read which stated that realistically a month was the longest that a bunker could keep people protected for. ‘How would we know when it was safe to go out again… how would we know when the air was ok and the climate normal’? asked Moran – his Dublin accent becoming more pronounced amidst his concern.

Mark’s hand shot up like a rocket: ‘Sss…Shi….Shiv…an… Siobhan w…w… will n.n.. know…!’

Don’t Forget

Noting the modern trend to find a short abbreviation for lengthy words; what about coming up with one to cover, ‘Misinformation’, ‘Disinformation’ ‘untruths’ and ‘fake news’? Would ‘lies’ ever catch on?