Bagging the benefits of denying the damned to the Devil!

I have it nailed, Lads! You won’t believe it, but the answer came to me like a bolt out of the blue… or was it a targeted tongue of fire, during a Mass last week. You remember the churchly conundrum that none of us could solve? Well, you are about to find the answer down here in the small print.

For those of you just joining us, ‘The Lads’ are a motley collection of diverse lost souls, constantly seeking answers and giving advice. In total, they number around 20, but usually it would be no more than six to eight of them who will arrive haphazardly at a likely spot. Funerals and football will generally convene a meeting, but it is in the pub that the heavy lifting gets sorted. Collectively, the Lads are experts and there was only this one time when an answer or a solution evaded the group.

Each one present has his special expertise – be that sport, law, politics, medical, crystal ball gazing, and theology. Sometimes the Gorls join in, but they more or less kept out of this one, apart from one twice-married lady further down who was heard to murmur, ‘I want him to rot in hell’.

Let us go back to the agenda when this bar brain-storming failed the Lads – for the one and only time.

It was a Saturday evening in the pub – around Mass time in the nearby church. A few of the Lads had gone to Mass, but Clancy and ‘Moaner’ had hit the wall a mere 200 yards short of the long-aisle door and had to sit this one out on two high stools.

‘Well, what was he on about tonight?’ the first of the good Lads was asked as soon as he arrived in. ‘Probably looking for money,’ interjected ‘Moaner’ from the other stool. As the rest of the quorum arrived, it was their spiritual affairs spokesman who spoke up.

John (‘Baptist’) commanded respect in this area due to his ability to regularly quote passages from the Old Testament. When ‘Baptist’ spoke on religion, the others listened.

‘Father preached about the Lord’s Prayer and in particular he emphasised that God will not forgive anyone’s evil deeds unless that person first forgives those who trespass against him or her.’

Now, to tell it like it is; the Lads would not be known for letting go of a grudge or grievance – so now there was an atmosphere of uneasiness thick in the air. That dirty belt of a hurl from 20 years ago still hurts; the stealing of a girlfriend, money owed, lies told and all sorts of feuds and betrayals.

‘Furthermore, you have to pray for those who persecute and calumniate you,’ ‘Baptist’ went on… thus adding to the gloom. This was all too much for the Lads, all of whom believed they would be entitled to do a little job of work on their enemy to level things off before considering what ‘Baptist’ was asking of them. And there it froze.

That was then… this is now!

I waited until we had a full quorum before proceeding. ‘I have the answer that will let us all off the hook with the forgiveness clause,’ I announced confidently. All the Lads had their eyes firmly fixed on mine – especially ‘Baptist’. I explained that a Mass I had attended last week was officiated by a lovely priest who spoke of the infinite mercy of God. He had to bring up the ‘Our Father’ and that is when the answer came to me, Lads. Of course he is right and we have to pray for our enemies and forgive trespasses.’ (Seven mouths were now open in my direction.)

‘But Lads, it dawned on me that all I need to do is to not wish for anybody to go to hell for what they did to me. If there is provision for a ‘victim impact speech’, I’ll just say; ‘Lord I don’t want anybody to go to hell for what they did to me. I think that will do it…? We can still be hurt and angry and know our enemies for what they are… but keeping them out of hell will be enough to satisfy the ‘as we forgive them’ clause.’

‘Baptist’ spoke. ‘Comaskey you are a genius… no, no… you are a saint!’ Looking around him he exclaimed joyously: ‘We are all saints… if you agree with this ingenious interpretation of the problem that has bothered us forever. Are we all agreed not to condemn the bastards to hell…?’

‘Baptist’ eye-balled each Lad in turn until he at least received a nod. ‘Moaner’ was last and the twitching of his face showed his innermost struggle. Eventually the pressure of everybody looking into his soul caused him to speak. ‘Ahh, I suppose that is fine… as long as the hoor goes to hell for somethin’ he done to someone else!’

Don’t Forget

Always forgive your enemies: nothing annoys them quite so much.