Spider-Man Hysterics
What if Spider-Man drove a Massey Ferguson 35 on the streets of Mullingar in the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade?
What if other ‘characters’ join him?
A sextet of hooded green-clad persons carry a long white banner which has nothing written on it – totally blank. Behind them is Penguin dancing to diddly-i-di-di diddly-i-di-di.
Farthest back is the Massey Ferguson 35 driven by Spider-Man. In front of the Massey, two green hoodies wheel a trolley called Batmobile. In the Batmobile is a bird called Robin. Front to centre is Batman and to his left is Joker, making a nuisance of himself. The Joker began by nicking a €10 note from the parade superintendent, Millie, and taking out a lighter and was about to ignite things when Batman saved the day.
“This town needs a better class of criminal,” the Joker leers as he grabs a cool green hat and runs away exclaiming: “Why so serious?” But Batman comes – Pow Wow, Pow Wow – and restores the hat to the grateful owner.
On the other side is Riddler doing, guess what? Riddles: ‘What has a spine but no bones? Answer a book – ha, ha. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Cos he was outstanding in his field – ha, ha. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer – ha, ha.’
Catwoman is frisking around doing sultry meows to those who smile and stern meows to those who don’t. On the road to Caffrey’s, she gets excited, scales the railing but is blocked by the mass of people, so she takes to the Joe Dolan statue and gets into the about-to-pee pose, but Batman comes and ushers her back towards the Batmobile.
The diddly-i-di-di gets faster and faster: diddly-i–di-di diddly-i-di-di.
Penguin collapses. Batman carries her to the Batmobile, out hops Robin and in goes Penguin. Robin proceeds to do the birdie song, and the kids loved it.
The Joker’s creating havoc; he steals a boomerang, ‘I’m not a monster; I’m just ahead of the curve,’ says he, twirling the green plastic boomerang. Batman to the rescue again.
The Riddler is in full flow. ‘Why was Heaney mightier than Cú Chulain? Because the pen is mightier than the sword.’ That riddle is received with a mix of boos and bewilderment – not everyone knows who Heaney and Cu Chulain are. ‘What do you call a fast suit maker? Taylor Swift.’ That gets groans.
Someone asks: ‘Why is there no writing on your banner?’ Riddler replies: ‘It’s because great writing always begins from a blank page. Where would the Michelangelo be without the canvas? Where would the woman be without the wardrobe? How do you know a woman has no clothes and needs to go clothes shopping? Because she says: I have nothing to wear. This is her blank canvas, dissociating all previous carnations of wardrobe to become the empty vessel on which purity of creation emerges…
‘Bla, Bla. Bla,’ leers the Joker as he throttles the Riddler. Biff Bang Biff Bang, happens as Batman nullifies Joker.
Meantime, Catwoman decides on a nap and she thrusts Penguin out of the Batmobile, installs herself and purrs.
All eyes are on Spider-Man as he pirouettes on the Massey Ferguson 35 as the festival MC announces the float – or indeed the show – as The Mullingar Literary Festival.
Inklings Writing Group meet on Tuesdays at 11am and Wednesdays at 7.30pm in the Annebrook House Hotel. Visitors are welcome – just ask Spider-Man and he’ll confirm it.