The secret lives of serial snorers
There I was, sitting in my own armchair, in my own house, one eye on CNN news, a freshly brewed cup of coffee to my left, writing pad on my knee, pen in hand – and wearing my tranquilo face… you get the picture… as I started doing a rough draft for this week’s YCBS.
The deliverer of two marietta biscuits asked casually; ‘what are you writing about this week?’
‘Snoring,’ I replied.
Her immediate acidy response interfered with my tranquillity; ‘By God, mention me and you’re dead!’
You see, this is the problem now. After 20 years (I told you recently it was 18, but I checked and found the first one ‘Bringing down the Curtain’ was published in 2005) of this column-craic, all the low-hanging fruit has been picked and we’re left with nothing but tricky topics to traipse through. Based on the difficulty of giving examples, our range of snoring samples is limited – and in fairness to all concerned, especially myself, how many people can you admit to knowing if they snore or not? On top of that, when those we can prove are snorers,– and yet are restricted from naming (as in the biscuit bearer), what am I supposed to do? Stick with the wider and general picture, I suppose.
Snoring is a problem for nearly 100% of people. Half the population snores and the other half have the problem. I would say there is no other human condition where the sufferer suffers so little and the innocent bystanders – or should that be ‘byliers’ – suffer so much. (Or so I’m told!)
In writing about this tricky topic, we may well have to fall back on that old safety word, ‘allegedly’. Anywhere the word isn’t written, please assume that is a printer’s error.
I have one safe snoring story we can use. It concerns my late great and sorely missed friend, Joe Bardon. For yonks years Joe and I travelled to matches in Liverpool and the odd one in London. Joe’s brother, Maurice, who lived in London, would source us tickets through his work connections. Sadly Maurice also left us in recent times and I cannot let this opportunity pass without paying tribute to one of the most obliging and nicest people it has been my privilege to know. May heaven’s light shine on the Bardon brothers.
Joe Bardon snored! Over the years it got worse until it seemed as if the whole building was rocking! We usually had a small twin room in a budget hotel. Anyway, prior to one trip to Liverpool, like Blackadder, I hit on ‘a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel!’.
Arriving to the room after check-in, I dramatically plucked a pair of ear plugs from my pocket and placed then on my bedside locker. ‘What’s that?’ enquired my roommate (as if he didn’t know!) ‘Earplugs to save me from going mad and so as that I may get some respite from your snoring,’ sez I. Now, anyone who ever knew Joe will be in no way surprised at how quickly he handled this putdown. ‘Great… great idea,’ Joe agreed, but you also keep me awake with your snoring when you’re asleep; so the fairest thing is if we use one each!’ And with that, Joe leaned over and took one of my ear plugs and as they say… ‘that was that!
‘Turn over on your side,’ Mrs Youcantbeserious often ordered me – after the dig in the ribs. Unfortunately it appears that I can snore as good on my side as lying on my back – if some are to be believed, that is! There is, however, one guaranteed remedy which works equally well for both parties and we shall disclose our findings in a moment.
All sorts of anti-snoring gadgets are advertised online. There are plastic nostril inserts, throat spray, menthol strips, chin straps, blowing into a conch shell and so on. One alleged (our theme word of the day) solution is a music thingy that plays a snore-repelling lullaby into your ear all night. I fear I might be more irritated by the lullaby than the snoring – should I have been unlucky enough ever to have slept with a snorer – I hasten to add! The advice here is to keep your money; none of these gimmicks work… allegedly!
It may come as a disappointment to some of you to learn that snoring alone is not grounds for divorce. However, (as a learned barrister might start the next sentence), snoring can contribute to marital problems by disrupting sleep and causing stress. That is what is known as ‘sleep divorce’, if the couple have to sleep in different rooms.
After all that, I am not so sure I can now give you the one certain cure for dealing with a snoring problem. Don’t quote me on it… I’m only asking the question, like. But do you have a spare room in your house?
Don’t Forget
How come it’s always the loudest snorer who falls asleep first?