Yearning, longing, wondering, searching and reflecting

Martina Maloney

From a young age, I lay in bed while my siblings slept beside me, pondering God. I was raised in a Catholic home, so God was mentioned every day. If I had worries at night, my mother would say, ‘Think of Heaven’.

As a child, I imagined Heaven to be a magical place in the sky, where God and all the angels lived, and I could have anything my heart desired: sweets, toys, and the works. As a kid, it is nice to dream.

But my questions were more profound. I would ask my mind over and over, ‘Who is God?’. And then the question would arise, what if God dies? As I continued the questioning, I would start to feel myself spiral down a dark hole, which would cause me to become extremely fearful, ultimately ending the questioning.

In my teenage years, I was educated at a Catholic secondary school, so the image of God on the cross stayed with me. During my senior years, I attended religious retreats and recall enjoying them. I became excited about questioning and contemplating. I wasn’t the only one; my group of friends also asked questions.

Soon after I finished secondary school, three members of that close circle of friends experienced family tragedies. They cast dark clouds over us. It was a time of deep grief, but in the early 1990s, such language wasn’t commonly used.

My 20s arrived, and I found myself burning the candles at both ends. Reflection drifted away. I was having too much fun filling my body with toxins. Looking back, I used to wish my life away. I longed for Thursday night, and the start of the social week. I would die at work on Friday and start all over again for the weekend.

At 29, in November 1999, I emigrated to Australia to begin a new chapter. In March 2000, I became unwell. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I was diagnosed with gallstones, many tiny ones, which increased the risks. I followed all the medical advice and had the surgery to remove my gallbladder.

What seemed like a straightforward operation turned into months of health struggles. I was supposed to be enjoying life, but even the simple act of eating became a misery.

I began searching for answers within myself. After reading a small advert in a local newspaper, I contacted a teacher of the Alexander Technique who taught nearby in Sydney. The technique explores how poor habits develop in our bodies over time. A series of lessons helped me understand how my body functioned, and I recognised my habits; it grounded me. It was a revelation to realise that my body was connected to my mind and spirit.

I returned to Ireland, studied in Galway, qualifying as an Alexander Technique teacher in my early 30, and I still teach it today.

Since then, I have explored many other holistic practices, such as meditation, chanting, yoga, and silent retreats, to name a few. I have travelled far to spend time with Gurus, searching for enlightenment.

Having written this, I can reveal the meaning of life. And the answer is no. Life is a precious mystery. My advice is: love yourself unconditionally, warts and all.

Martina Maloney began writing in 2018 by enrolling in an online hobby writing course. She has completed an MA in Creative Writing at Maynooth University. Martina is a member of Inklings Writing Group, who meet on Tuesdays at 11am and Wednesdays at 7.30pm in the Annebrook House Hotel. Aspiring writers welcome.