‘Why didn’t I think of that…’
With all the mendacious modesty we can muster here, I feel I have the perfect opening to tell you that there is a quote attributed to yours truly from YCBS in Gerd de Ley’s book; ‘Irish Wit, Wisdom & Humour’, published in the USA. I hadn’t known about it till a reader emailed me, a long time back. Being ever conscious of the quality of the sages stories to follow, I won’t retell mine here – buy Gerd’s book if you want!
We have previously written and quoted the great American philosopher, Yogi Berra. My favourite of his sayings is probably; ‘When you come to a ‘Y’ in the road, take it.’ All my family and friends have had that one trust upon them from time to time.
Old Irish sayings have been widely quoted here, but this week let us look at some of the old folksy American witticisms. Will Rogers was one of the best of the batch. How that cowboy and bush pilot manufactured so much wisdom under his cowboy hat places Will in the realms of intellectual genius. Here are a few examples so you can make up your own mind.
It was Will who first advised; ‘If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.’ ‘Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.’ He wisely observed; ‘Never miss a good chance to shut up’; or ‘Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.’
‘There are two theories to arguing with a woman and neither works,’ was the sound advice Will bestowed on a young man about to get married. The learned cowboy knew a thing or two about men as well: ‘There are three kinds of men; the ones who learn by reading; the ones who learn by observation; and then there is the rest of them that have to pee on the electric fence to find out for themselves!’
Will made up yarns to spin to the locals gathered around town. ‘After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring his head off. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of this story is that when you’re full of bull you should keep your mouth shut!’
As Will aged, he gave a lot of advice on the topic of growing older. ‘Some people try to turn back their odometers, not me; I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve travelled a long way and a lot of the roads weren’t paved!’ ‘The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.’ ‘You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks,’ and: ‘I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.’
‘When you are dissatisfied and long to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.’ ‘If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.’
And one final Will Rogers gem about getting old; ‘One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it’s such a nice change from being young!’
So after coming across those amazing bits of wisdom, I decided to go rooting on my bookshelves in search of some more witticisms from other would-be philosophers. (Truth is that I have a word count to fill.) Let us steal a few from that aforementioned ‘Irish Wit, Wisdom & Humour’, by Gerd de Ley.
‘Some people boast about being in the Guinness Book of Records. I’m famous for being in the record book of Guinnesses.’ (Richard Harris) ‘We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.’ (Spike Milligan) ‘Virginity is very like a souvenir, sometimes priceless to its owner, but, alas, worth much less in the open market.’ (John B Keane).
So moving quickly on after that one, let us digest what Hal Roach had to say about the Laws of Air Travel, in Gerd’s book. ‘Your departure gate will always be the furthest from the terminal, regardless of number. The plane will not shake until food is served. The amount of turbulence will be in direct proportion to the heat of your coffee. When you finally make it to the lavatory, the ‘return to your seat’ sign will go on.’
Hugh Leonard had his say in the book as well, ‘There is only one immutable law in life; in a gentleman’s toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way!’ There are numerous quotes from GBS as well, so we’ll give the great man a short one; ‘There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.’ Did we do one of Oscar Wilde’s yet? Anyway, this last one would be funny if it wasn’t so true. ‘Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes!’
Don’t Forget
When you can’t think of anything original, copy, copy, copy, (myself).