Donald Trump kicks a late winner
In the fullness of time, history will give its verdict on the year we just put to bed. One thing is certain and that is that 2025 will be regarded as one of the most bizarre years of all time. Breaking news broke so fast that the last story got buried before the next one could be digested. The president of the United States of America was by far the greatest architect of most mind-blowing breaking news. We shall revert to him in a moment, but first let us take a peep at a few less dramatic stories and then we’ll have a stab at a few predictions for 2026.
Here at home, Jim Gavin, the man with supposedly the safest pair of hands in the game, dropped the ball in the presidential election after receiving a hospital pass from Michael Martin. A 65-year-old woman over in Thailand made a better fist of her challenge. A coffin was moving along the conveyor and about to enter the crematorium when someone heard pounding on the lid from inside. Sure enough, the woman was still mad alive. We could go on with such examples, but undoubtedly the clear winner of the 2025 ‘Bizarre Barron’ award goes to the man who felt certain he was the most deserving of the Nobel Peace Prize.
Trump renamed the Gulf of Mexico as ‘The Gulf of America’ and changed the name of the John F Kennedy Centre to include the word ‘Trump’! He said he was taking control of the Panama Canal and threatened to illegally take over Greenland. The annexation of Canada was threatened until Trump came up against one of our own; Mayo man Prime Minister Mark Carney and Canadians cancelled their holidays in Florida en masse. The National Guard was deployed to American cities to fight their fellow citizens. As we write this column, Venezuela has been invaded and Columbia, plus Greenland, put on notice… but that one is for next new year’s piece!
So, with the way things are going, wouldn’t it take either a brave or an incredibly foolish man to make predictions for the year 2026? How could you follow 2025? Anyway, we’ll take a shot at it…
An Irish government spokesperson will come on the radio and give a straight answer to a straight question and stick to the question asked. Mary Lou McDonald and Peadar Tóibín will be spotlighted in an impassioned embrace at a Coldplay concert. Newspaper headlines covering the story range from ‘Making up’ to ‘making out’ and combinations of both.
But the biggest news story of the year will be when Donald Trump puts away the winning goal in a penalty shootout to win the World Cup for the USA in New Jersey in July.
On the way to the final against Mexico, US will have beaten Italy, England, France and Germany; all of whom will have half their team visas cancelled at the last minute. For the final, almost all of the first named players on the Mexican team will be deemed national threats and deported. Howandever, all the same Mexican players will still manage to arrive in New Jersey on the back of a lorry just in time to tog out.
Mexico are by far the better team, but the Hungarian referee, appointed personally by FIFA president, Gianni Infantino, in consultation with Mr Trump, is having an off day. The Mexicans finish with eight players and seven disallowed goals at the end of a scoreless nil all draw – plus after extra time. And so it goes to a penalty shoot out…
Due to a constantly changing interpretation of the rules from kick to kick, the American goalkeeper manages to save the Mexican striker’s fifth penalty shot. All the USA now have to do is score the next spot-kick to become World Cup Champions of 2026.
The four Billion people watching on TV or the 80,000 fans present won’t believe their eyes when the referee beckons for a US sub to come on for the match-winning attempt. Off the bench, arms raised clapping the spectators, appears an old guy with a fake tan and a red baseball cap. The stadium announcer names the sub simply as Donald Trump, number 007.
It takes a long time to place the ball on the spot, before a straight red card is issued to the goalie for disrespecting the kicker. The referee then rules that no replacement can be permitted in goal ‘until after the next play’. And shortly thereafter, the ball spins skew-ways from the penalty spot, does a ‘rock the boat’ impression before dribbling into the corner of the empty net for “the most beautiful goal ever scored in the beautiful game”.
Before the cup presentation, Donald Trump will present the ‘man of the match award’ to himself… naturally!
Don’t Forget
Never in the history of America have so few loused up so much for so many.