‘To err is human...’

Almost everybody will agree that we all make mistakes. The only exception I ever knew to this rule was my father. ‘I don’t make mistakes,’ as stated when my brother Willie ventured; ‘I think you are making a mistake, Daddy!’.

Anyway, if the rest of us mere mortals admit that we all make mistakes and ‘to err is to be human’, why are a majority of mistake-makers so adverse to admitting that mistake and uttering the simplest of words, ‘sorry’?

Ali MacGraw delivered a famous line in the film, ‘Love Story’, and that line became the closing argument of many a tiff in a lot of houses. The popular utterance was of course; ‘love means never having to say you’re sorry’.

Has nobody ever questioned the accuracy of this axiom? Ali got paid an awful lot more for saying it than will this humble scribe for contradicting her, but ladies and gentlemen, that statement was way off the mark. On the contrary, I put it to you that love means often having to say you’re sorry.

Remember ‘to err is human’ and humans often get it wrong, or maybe hit a miserable patch on a bad day. We can snap or snarl at a loved one, and do you mean to tell me that the correct approach is not to say ‘sorry’ when the thing cools down? Surely that says a lot more about the character of a person than believing you never have to apologise for anything.

Now that we have started on the topic, would any of you agree with me that people seem far more disinclined to offer an apology nowadays than a generation ago? There are bigger egos out there attached to people, many of whom have inflated opinions of their own importance.

As well as ego, the reluctance to admit an error and apologise has much to do with wanting to control the narrative and pompous self-esteem. Individuals feeling a superior level of entitlement or narcissism just cannot even consider that they are wrong and the other fellow might be right.

There is bad example from the top regarding this tendency to never apologise. Can you remember hearing a politician say; ‘I got it wrong and I’m sorry’.? Politicians equip themselves with all the tools and fancy footwork to avoid ever coming close to admitting: ‘You are right and I was wrong – and I apologise.’ Even when a politician is held to account for some transgression or other and has to say something, at best it will be a qualified apology and a watered down ‘sorry’.

But we are not picking on or singling out our excellent hard-working politicians (in comparison to many other countries) because our elected representatives represent the sort of society we are.

The half-an-apology can sometimes make the injured party feel worse. If you are going to apologise, go the whole hog. Not, ‘if I inadvertently hurt you with what I said, it’s not what I meant’, or ‘if you took the wrong meaning from my words I didn’t mean to be offensive’. Or if you really want to keep digging; ‘perhaps you are a little too sensitive on that subject’! ‘When I referred to you as a cow I was thinking of the most beautiful, much-loved cow we had at home years ago, and besides Mick shouldn’t have told you what I said!’.

Seriously though, a wholesome apology sincerely offered can make two people feel good. Taking account of the fact we all agree that each of us makes mistakes, saying sorry should come naturally to all of us.

The word ‘pride’ springs to mind here. There is a fear that your apology might not be accepted and that you will be humiliated in the process. But you won’t be; because there is a great relief from doing the right thing – no matter how the other person reacts. But most often an apology is valued and cherished and the person who says sorry rises in the estimation of others. Far from being a sign of weakness, saying ‘I’m sorry’ shows a greater degree of self-assurance and character.

Michael O’Leary’s recent apology for inappropriate use of a word is a perfect example on how to deliver a genuine, unqualified apology.

I like to think I am good at apologising when I get it wrong. The Lads might say I got it wrong often enough to get loads of practice! When we make an apology, it has to be wholesome and make it all about the other person. ‘I’m sorry you feel hurt’; ‘I’m sorry you misunderstood me’; or ‘I’m sorry for not being perfect’ is not an apology. ‘Sorry’ on its own will often do.

One thing I shall never do again is apologise when I know I’m right. There are a couple of such incidences stuck in my craw, where I said ‘sorry’ for peace sake or to close an argument and that one leaves a sour taste.

Don’t Forget

Never ruin an apology with an excuse. (Benjamin Franklin)