Being laughed out of court…

I dined one day in the canteen of The Four Courts in Dublin (as you can see, I got off!) and I was so amused by a framed collection on the wall, of excuses given to judges, that I remember some of them years later.Here are my two favourites: 'He was standing in the middle of the road, your Honour; he didn"t know which way to run so I hit him.' Or what about the driver who 'drove into the wrong driveway and hit a tree I don"t have!'Solicitors will tell you that 90 per cent of cases are settled on the steps of the court and isn"t this an awful pity when you read of the free entertainment provided by some of the 10 per cent who make it to the front of judges bench? How do court reporters keep such a straight face with some of the stuff they have to record? The following examples are all accurate and recorded word for word from court records.'What is your date of birth?' 'July 15th, Sir.' 'What year?' 'Every year'!It is a fact that we have some colourful comments from the wit of Westmeath wigs and wags in local courts - and the least said about that here the better, so we will quickly move Stateside for our session of courtroom codology, from where they are less likely to hold this column in contempt!'What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up on that particular morning?' 'He said, 'Where am I Cathy?' 'And why did that upset you so much?' 'My name is Susan!' Now here are two questions from two learned barristers, either of which I hope my solicitor would never dream of retaining! 'Now doctor, isn"t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn"t know about it until the next morning?' Or maybe this one is easier to answer! 'Were you present when your picture was taken?'America is obsessed with law and litigation and it is a worrying trend here also that more and more disputes which could be settled with a little common sense finish up in court - or at least on the steps! Organisations and individuals are increasingly scared of what they might do or say lest they finish up being sued. But like we already said, it is the nod of your American judiciary which gives credence to the saying that 'the law is an ass'.An 81 year old lady, by the name of Stella Liebeck, successfully sued McDonalds after she spilled hot coffee on herself, because she had not been warned of the danger of spilling hot coffee on herself! Texas woman, Kathleen Robertson was awarded $80,000 after breaking her ankle when she tripped over a misbehaving brat in a furniture store. The fair-minded readers of this column might at first say 'and rightly so' but what do you think when I tell you it was her own son she fell over? A Philadelphia restaurant lost a case when a woman sued for slipping on a coke which was spilled on the floor. How did the coke get spilled on the floor? Seconds earlier the same woman had just thrown it over her boy-friend!This next example will be the most difficult for you to believe, but it is a matter of public record in 2005 at the Superior Court in Oklahoma City. A woman purchased a new motor-home; or 'camper' as we call them in Westmeath. On her first trip, she set the cruise control, left the driver"s seat and went to the back to fix herself a snack! It will come as no earth-shattering surprise for you to hear that the vehicle careered off the freeway and overturned. The woman sued Winnebago, the makers, for not advising her in the owners manual that she couldn"t do this! Not a judge this time, but a jury of her peers, awarded her $1,750,000: oh, and a new motor-home as well!A guy in Arkansas was awarded $14,500 for being bitten by a neighbour"s dog. Now, as someone bitten by a dog on my local walk, without even an apology, is it any wonder that this one caught my eye? However, this time my sympathy is with the unfortunate dog, because the plaintiff had climbed over a fence and was repeatedly shooting at the dog with a pellet gun. The dog was on a chain but eventually the attacker got close enough to receive a bite and subsequently $14,500 for his distress!If you really want to get mad, read this: Terrence Dickson was about to leave a house he had just finished robbing in Pennsylvania. Trying to get out through the garage he found the electronic door to be malfunctioning and it failed him to prise it open. He couldn"t get back into the house because the connecting door locked when he pulled it after him. The family was on vacation, so the brazen criminal was locked in the garage for eight days, where he subsisted on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dried dog food. Did he see the light during his week"s long solitary meditation? Damn right he did; he sued for 'undue mental anguish' and a jury awarded him half a million!!Let us conclude with a few more simple questions and answers, which may be easier on the blood-pressure. 'So your baby was conceived on August 8th?' 'Yes.' '…And will you now tell the court what you were doing at the time.'!And just one more, so that you can appreciate how good our own Westmeath solicitors are by comparison! 'How was your marriage terminated?' 'By death.' '…And by whose death was it terminated?'Dear oh dear, was it Alexander Pope who said; 'A little knowledge is a dangerous thing'?Don"t ForgetWorrying about what is right is always more important than worrying about who is right.