Get yourself a pile of sand…!

Any of you driving past my house can see a pile of sand down at the bottom of the yard. It is there so long that I cannot now remember when or why I got it in the first place, but one thing I know for sure is I wouldn"t be without it. If anything ever had its uses, just for being there, it"s your average, ordinary, everyday heap of gravel in the yard.The tip of the week folks is to rush off an order for a load of sand or gravel. People will immediately start to treat you differently and you will have earned the respect of friends, neighbours, postmen and passers-by.A pile of sand around a house speaks volumes about a man: It"s all about perception, you see. You don"t have to do a thing with it - only have it. Here we send out a clear message to all and sundry that in this house, at least, lives a man, handy with his hands and willing to take on the job himself - whatever the job is. Only you yourself will know that there is no job at all going on. Your standard pile of sand in the yard - or better still, outside the road gate, is a solid statement of work in progress by a progressive and far from lazy homeowner.My brother Camillus lives on the Lodge Road in Westport. When he moved in, he gave us directions that he was the house after the one with the pile of sand outside. More than twenty years later the same set of directions applies. His wiley old Mayo neighbour is now known for his pile of sand. You can also show how good a neighbour you are by giving a barrow-full to anyone who asks for it - as long as he fills it himself. This shows the passers-by that the pile is being worked on and whatever the project is you are creating, it is going ahead. If you are asked a direct question by some nosey nuisance as to what exactly you are doing don"t mumble or admit you got it for something you never used it for: Instead, give a sort of sly grin (needs to be practiced in advance) and say; 'You better ask herself about how she expects the thing to turn out' Then worry no more, there is not a snowballs chance in hell of anyone asking the wife such a question.Unfortunately anything worth having takes a bit of effort and your pile of sand will require some small amount of maintenance. Weeds can grow in it so don"t buy dirty gravel. Washed gravel will set you back a little more but scraws of scutch grass won"t grow out of the top of it in the first couple of years. Clean sand won"t set as easily in the pile and the few weeds can easily be removed with the shovel. This has the added benefit of freshening up the pile and is as good as a 'Danger - man at work' sign.A shovel: You must own a shovel for the plan to be effective. The only place to keep your shovel is stuck in the pile of sand. This serves two purposes: Obviously it is a mighty statement of intent - a sign of a man mad for work. The second advantage here is that you will always know where to find the shovel if you want it. Now, why would you ever seriously want a shovel, I hear you ask and this column will answer that question for you. If the wife has something going on inside the house, that you don"t wish to have anything to do with, head for the shovel and carry it with you round the yard. If she corners you to ask what you"re doing, mumble something like; 'Jazus, if I only knew where to start.' Likewise, if the neighbour has a Saturday job going on where he might look across the hedge in the hope of obtaining an extra pair of hands, see him before he sees you; head for your sand-pile and sling your shovel across your shoulder. When the danger has passed return the shovel to the pile - but always stick it in a different spot.A good tip is to keep your shovel rotated around the pile. Lazy neighbours with nothing better to do might cop on if the shovel hasn"t been moved for a time.Most uninformed pile of sand owners will run children if they catch them climbing up the pile: Big mistake! There is nothing better than a bunch of little brats to give your sand the look of you having given it a week"s work. Don"t worry yourself about a little wastage being walked into the ground. With this asset it is essential to show some depreciation or devaluation.Now if you really want to take your status to an even higher level, buy the kids those little bucket and spade sets you see on the beach. Show them how to fill their bucket from the pile and empty the contents in the potholes outside your gate that the canvassers forgot to fix. Someone will surely phone Joe Duffy about the good citizen down in Westmeath who made the road safe for passers by.As you can see, the possibilities are endless when you are the proud owner of a simple load of sand in the yard.Like I said, I cannot remember when or why I got my load, only I know for sure that as soon as it"s gone I"m ordering another - only next time it will be nearer the road so passers-by can"t miss seeing it!Don"t forget.We all live under the same sky, but we don"t all have the same horizon. (Konrad Adenauer).