Notts the Nine O'Clock News

The late great Brian Clough was not a man to mess with. Ask Roy Keane, who once got thumped by the green-jumpered one (oh Brian, why not harder in anticipation of Saipan?). The brilliant manager detested his beloved Nottingham Forest being referred to as 'Notts Forest' when they invariably hit the headlines during his glorious reign at the City Ground from the mid-1970s onwards. However, the past week has seen news bulletins being dominated by the club with 'Notts' in its official name, with the astonishing announcement that former England supremo, Sven-Goran Eriksson is to take on that curious role they call 'Director of Football' at hitherto unfashionable Notts County.Confirmation of the Swede's new role had many in knots laughing, as the news spread at a rate of knots. Many of us were tied up in knots at the appointment, but this is not a Notty Ash sketch with Ken Dodd to the fore. It is a genuine attempt by the club's Middle Eastern owners to move the lowly outfit up English football's ladder. And quickly, as all billionaires expect with their investments.Personally, I struggle with the entire 'Director of Football' concept (even if, believe it or not, I think it is exactly what Westmeath Gaelic football needs in its current decline). Notts County's highly-regarded young manager, Ian McParland is bound to be looking over his shoulder, despite the usual assurances by the powers-that-be that his job is secure and an apparently specific (if strange) job spec is being laid out for Sven. The owners' megabucks (megariyals?) can certainly improve the club's infrastructure, a definite part of Sven's remit, with Notts County's basic training facilities etc apparently way below what is required at a meaningful level.Eriksson was ridiculed in many quarters in England despite a decent CV as England manager, which included the usual eliminations (two) at World Cup quarter-final stage and penalty shoot-out collapses. His stint at Manchester City (ironically, since being swamped with spend-as-you-like zillions at Mark Hughes' disposal) was quite progressive, but his Mexican managerial adventure could not be deemed a success. While winning league titles in three different countries is very noteworthy by any standards, being asked to dust off the cobwebs at the world's oldest club is undoubtedly a weird role for a sexagenarian.That excellent mimic, Alastair McGowan portrayed Sven uncannily during his spell at Lancaster Gate, where it seems he often worked after hours! He invariably honed in on Sven as a Malmo bank manager miscast in England and being totally alien to the archetypal English 'football's a funny old gime, ain't it' club manager. Indeed, the aforementioned Brian Clough greeted Sven's appointment in 2000 to the job he so craved himself in his prime with the words: "At last England have appointed a manager who speaks English better than the players themselves." The often crude Frank 'football's coming home' Skinner was, well crude, when he stated: "You look at Sven and you think he's saying 'here's your ointment for piles' as a pharmacist."And as Jimmy Cricket (as distinct from Jimmy Football) used to say - there's more! One British tabloid issued their céadson miléson fáilteson as follows: "We've sold our birthright down the fjord to a nation of seven million skiers and hammer throwers who spend half their lives in darkness." Two years later, a 1-2 defeat by Brazil in the Japan/South Korea World Cup quarter-final was allegedly put down to the pharmacist not prescribing the correct half-time medicine. An unnamed 'three lions' player summed up the lack of interval motivation as follows: "We needed Winston Churchill and we got Ian Duncan Smith." A (respected) soccer journalist summed up the mood of the nation when he wrote: "Sven's inability to change the tactics against Brazil changed the Friday morning atmosphere in school halls across the nation from carnival to double maths."Roll on 2004 and the European Championships. Another inglorious English failure and David Walsh (once of Kinnegad) puts it succinctly in a leading paper across the water when he alluded to Sven having "the aura of sophistication but not the substance". As is the norm with our neighbours when results go wrong (ie at all times other than 1966) the knives are sharpened and personal insults are ten an ore (one hundredth of a Swedish krona, if Chris Tarrant ever asks you as a phone-a-friend). Even Paul Hayward wrote in a very conservative British daily: "Sven is what John Major would be if he swallowed a bucket of Viagra".Last Wednesday, the bookies immediately offered very generous odds (in the region of 20/1) on Sven seeing out his five-year contract at Meadow Lane. Exactly what type of player is going to come and play League Two (Division Four to us of a certain vintage) football, even if the 4,445 average attendance from last season will be greatly increased, out of curiosity? The Sven roadshow will last for a while and who knows where it will all end for this seemingly nice man in an environment enormously different to his previous ports of call.The club's chief executive, Peter Trembling beamed joyously for an assortment of photographers between Messrs McParland and Eriksson last week.But will he be trembling with delight or embarrassment come this time next year?