Kinky kinetic carry-on in Kerry

The Bernie Comaskey Column"Grandad; I have just done a poo in my potty", announced my three year old grandson. "Good boy, Jack - you're a great guy and a big boy now - that you don't do it in your nappy anymore; and you are Granda's favourite boy in the entire world", I cooed encouragingly.Obviously this bit of endearing praise went to Jack's head, because a few moments later I was addressed again. "Grandad?" "Yes Jack, what is it?" "I have a surprise, Grandad." "What is the surprise, Jack?" "I have two poos in the potty" "What a man, Jack." I started to laugh … too soon. "Grandad, will you wipe my bum?" It had been a long time since I had my share of practice on his mother and uncle; but the analogy of riding the bicycle came to my rescue. "Of course I shall, Jack; just let me get some toilet paper." "You don't use toilet-paper, you get a "wipe" from the shelf". I didn't know what a "wipe" looked like, so Jack had to shuffle across the floor, spancelled by his pants around his ankles and point at the box of "wipes".Armed with two wipes, just in case, I approached the business end of the toddler, who assumed what we might term a potato picking position. Jack must have sensed that his old granddad wasn't transmitting an aura of confidence, because he turned his head, removed the doodie from his mouth and issued me with one further instruction: "Grandad; mind you don't stick your finger in my bum"!!!Next day I read of the dispute down in Kerry where jarveys have been ordered to clean the bums of the horses using Killarney National Park and then to use nappies in order to prevent poo offending the eyes of city folk who think all horses are like Mr Ed - who was never seen to pee or poo. (We shall use a more common term for poo further down, so if this will offend you, look away now please).Tourist officials believe that horseshit coming out of the wider end of a horse is uncivilised. The poor dumb animal has being doing this forever - on account of not knowing any better, you understand. We see "his and hers" dog nappies advertised as well these days and wonder how long before goldfish will be fitted out in wet gear. But the horse is smart enough to know that putting a nappy on a grown horse in public is an affront to his dignity and he is not going to stand for it. The jarveys are totally opposed to having to change any horse's diaper or to have to handle "wipes". Both horses and owners have had enough of this B.S...sorry, I mean H.S and have threatened to stay on strike until officialdom backs off the bum.The National Parks and Wildlife Services has jurisdiction over Killarney's park and has introduced regulations that the route be kept free of horseshit; but surely it doesn't have to be nappies or nothing? It doesn't have to be Plan A or B … there is always Plan C. In fact, this column cannot understand why some "Cute Kerry Hoor" hasn't come up with this plan already.Do you remember when people going to Dublin would always bring you home "Dublin Rock"? Now you see where we are heading: every tourist should leave Kerry with a gift-wrapped bag of "Kerry Crap". The jarveys are a major attraction in their own right, with their stories and jokes, combined with that quaint Kerry knack (it's the accent you see) of painlessly separating customers from their money. All that is required now is for one of the jaunting cars to carry a shovel and plastic bags instead of people. He follows the others; picking poo for profit. Everyone knows that horse manure is the greatest garden fertiliser on the planet. It could be packaged in bags with a ribbon and labelled "Grow Your Own Fresh Flowers" and an ideal present for wives, girlfriends and the likes.The jarveys in Kerry quite rightly point out that there is a safety issue here with regards to putting a nappy on a horse - quite apart from the fact that the horse is not in favour of it. The inspectors from the NPWS should take a long hard look at what happened in Germany a few years back, when humans messed with nature in the form of Stephan the elephant.Stephan became badly constipated and as the days passed his keeper became more and more concerned. First thing every morning Friedrich Riesfeldt checked to see if his elephant 'had been'. Nothing doing, so the zoo-keeper went a bit mad with the dose. He fed Stephan twenty-two doses of animal laxative, a bushel of berries, figs, prunes and a few other bits of encouragement.Still nothing moving and later that evening Friedrich took on to give his ailing elephant an olive oil enema. At that precise moment Stephan let rip, burying his keeper under 200 pounds of you-know-what. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Friedrich to the ground, where he struck his head and lay unconscious, as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him", so stated flabbergasted police detective, Erik Dern.Kerrymen are no fools. If you were a jarvey, would you want to be putting a nappy on a horse after reading that?Don't ForgetMany people don't like horses because they are uncomfortable in the middle and dangerous at both ends.