You too can have a quiet, safe 2023
Written by a domestic violence survivor
I am a domestic violence survivor and I have written a little guide to starting a journey to safety. I hope it helps someone.
I say a survivor, I am out but not better, yet.
Yet is my favourite word and you should start to use it right now if you are not safe at home.
Say “I don’t know what to do, yet! - I don’t know what I need to do, yet! I don’t know how I will leave, yet!”
I am still not sure how to interact with people. I spent so long trying to control every single aspect of my life, so that people did not know I was struggling with an abusive alcoholic that I stopped going out, stopped hanging with my friends.
Join in when it’s a bit of craic or even trust invitations to join in. (YET!)
I also don’t know how to relax. (YET.) I am always in a state of hyper vigilance. I still overreact to small things and underreact to big things. It makes me good in a crisis but bad when people are just in grumpy form.
For the first time in my whole life, I know I can use my card for fuel and groceries and I can ask my children if they need money. For the first time in years, I had the money I needed for Christmas, and having the money bizarrely meant I didn’t spend anywhere near what I used to because - as the Grinch and I discovered - Christmas does not come from a store.
I made donations to TEAM and St Vincent de Paul - I never had money for that before and my kids got what they needed - a safe space filled with warmth and family visits and reconnecting with friends - something that had long fallen away because it was better to stay home, see no one and no one would see.
Big shoutout to my family and friends who persevered with me - and continued to invite me to things even though I always cried off - and who forgave me for blowing up over stupid, silly things.
Also thank you to the women who stopped me in car parks, (one went as far as to knock on my office door and pretend they were lost), sent me texts and called me up to say – “I was in an abusive relationship, if you need something you can ask me – just wanted you to know."
These brave kind tiny things, from people who only knew me to see, were really restorative along the way.
So here’s my Christmas list, its not top 10 trends for 2023 or best films on the TV – it’s a survivor’s guide to freedom.
1) If you are not safe at home, tell someone.
For many years I did not know what to say – how to explain what was happening. I always became bogged down in all the detail; what about my work, the house, the bills, the car, what would people say, where would I go, what would I do, what happens next week, next month, do I need to speak to the gardaí, do I need to tell the schools, what will I tell my family.
Because I could not do everything that needed to be done in one go, I did nothing. For more than 20 years, I did nothing one day at a time - that is more than 7000 days that I did not just pack a bag and get in my car with my kids and go.
Below are useful numbers - if you cannot call from home, present to a GP or a pharmacy and ask if there is a safe space to call a support service.
I called from the toilets of my workplace, from Weir's in Multyfarnham while I ate their mighty chicken wings, and from my cousin’s car. I now know I could have knocked on my neighbour’s door and done it from her kitchen table while she gave me tea, but when you are in a domestic violence situation, you do not see the safe places all around you. Yet!
Westmeath Support Service - 044 9333 868
Athlone Midlands Rape Crisis Centre:1800 306 600
Connect National Adult Counselling Helpline: 1800 477 477
Mullingar Women in Crisis: 1850214814
MOVE (Men Overcoming Violence): 01 8724357 / 065 684 8689
Rape Crisis Helpline: 1800 7788888
Women’s Aid: 1800 341 900
Barnardos: 01 4549699 / 1850 222300
One-in-Four: 01 662070
CARI: 1890 924567
AMEN (Violence against men): 046 9023718
Domestic Violence: 1800 444944
I would add to this list elected representatives – there is nothing a county councillor has not heard before and you may need them to help you in practical ways down the line, so you will eventually be telling them.
Or, if you have kids, their teachers or school counselling service. Schools know. You have no idea, but domestic violence in the home moulds us the same way - there will already be responsible adults in your kids' lives, be it in their GAA club or in their classroom, waiting to help you, and trained to help you, and can get your kids into programmes and processes to help them.
But the fact is, no one does it all in one go. So you don’t need all the answers (YET). You just need to take the first important step: tell someone you trust, 'I am not safe at home'. Let them help you.
2) Do not keep the secret
Even standing in the garda station trying to make a report of a serious violent assault in my home, I didn't want people to know.
And surprisingly, what I didn’t want people to know was that my husband was abusing his family. His reputation was important, it was intrinsic to our standing in society, our income, our wider family dynamic.
I didn’t for one second think I would not be believed. The issue was that a secret I guarded would be out and everyone would know.
This is something I don’t understand even now (Yet): domestic violence was something that happened in Eastenders and Coronation Street. It was the pretty but withdrawn women in hospital dramas where the hot doc was worried about X-rays showing a series of healed ribs going back years.
It wasn’t middle class me. I told my friends recently I did not know how to write a cheque and I had never had a credit card - something that made me feel endlessly stupid.
I remember my first day in court seeking a 'safety in the home order' telling the judge "I’m not stupid, you know". Why would a woman trying to get a legal instrument to keep her family safe say to a judge 'I’m not stupid'?
Even then I worried about my secret things. I didn’t know how to tell people what was happening, yet. I was worried about all the things they would say - 'we thought she was bright and capable and competent but clearly she’s an idiot'.
It takes time and counselling and professional help to untangle that one. You won’t know how to understand how part of the control is the silence. Yet.
3) Listen to the people who know
Everyone will know. When you tell it, no matter where you tell it, people will find out. There will be a hundred versions of your story within a week. But in that sea of people, there will be people that will reach out to you when they find out.
They will stop you outside Tesco, send you a Facebook message, invite you for coffee and they tell you, 'I know, I’ve also left an abusive situation'.
What they have to tell you is that you are not alone, it will be okay and there are people in the world who understand. They will have valuable insight and they will be kind to you. Listen to them when they are kind - let it wash over you.
But also listen to those that know know. I sought a safety in the home order. My support worker told me I needed a barring order - that a safety in the home order was a waste of time.
She was right. I was in the wrong head space. Let me share it in case you are in that too - all of these thoughts are completely, totally and utterly wrong. In no universe are they true - not even in one with magic.
1) I believed the safety in the home order might shock my husband so thoroughly he would start behaving better and we would be happy.
2) A safety in the home order would protect my secret. No one would know and we would all be okay
3) I wasn’t like the people who needed barring orders. That was a soap opera solution I wasn’t like them - I needed the wholly more civilised safety in the home order
So, hard facts: you are a victim; you need care and support, but you also need the correct legal protection immediately. The gardaí need the legal instruments. I needed to call the gardaí to my home multiple times once I had the safety order. These things don’t get better it only goes one way: worse.
In fact, how incredibly useless was my order: my husband burned it in the fire, filmed himself burning it and sent the video clip to me, told me that he had dug graves for the children and me, and, because there’s always room for a fat joke in a death threat, my grave took him all day to dig.
He took the envelope it was delivered in and wrote tout on it. (Not liar, I always think). He superglued shut the locks, stole my son's Chanel aftershave and his goldfish, cable tied the gates, chased the children around with barbed wire - the list goes on.
LISTEN to the people that know, even if it doesn’t suit you. You are not you again. Yet.
4) You need to get better to make a plan of action
Book an appointment with your GP. Tell work you need some time off. Ask family and friends or support groups like Safe Ireland for help with the children.
Rest. Get counselling. Rest.
Be in a space where you can act. Get an appointment with MABS (https://mabs.ie/) for financial advice and budgeting advice; your local council for housing; your local library for support information, and access to the internet; your kids' school.
You have not done this, yet! But it will have to be done - sooner is always better.
5) The system is very, very broken
This is crucial; the system is overwhelmed and very, very broken. Do not let a broken piece trip you up. If you survived living in an abusive home, you are strong enough, resilient enough, smart enough to manoeuvre through how the gardaí and courts work.
You have already survived the worst of it. This is my experience.
You might have to make lots of calls to get help
I went to the garda station to make the assault complaint. The garda on duty asked me if I had a safety in the home order.
I said I didn’t and he told me there wasn’t much he could do. He gave me the number for Ann Foley of Westmeath Support Services Against Domestic Abuse.
I went to work and called it. Ann was in court. I called Ann five times before she could speak to me. If you need Ann, you will have to be patient and persistent.
The number is 044 9333 868; email westmeathsupport@eircom.net.
I had also called Women's Aid and emailed them, and it was two days before I received a response - but it did come and it urged me to get back in touch.
You will have to stand in the public area outside the courtroom
Wear flat shoes and a warm coat and bring a cup of tea or a flask. Bring a book to read so that you are not standing trying to not to make eye contact with other people. You will be sharing a corridor with people there for the same reason as you.
Over a number of years, I have had to stand all day in freezing court hallways without an idea when I would be heard (if at all). There is no privacy, no safety and no consideration of what arrangements need to be made to allow a person to stand all day with a list that has neither shape nor make to it.
A garda comes out and calls your initial to appear. Bring someone with you if you can - Westmeath Support Service will send someone with you if you need it. Bring a charged phone with you. Bring something to do. Have your information with you. Judges can ask you questions and you will not remember everything, so write down what you need to say.
The last time I was in court, I shared a corridor with a group of men who knew each other complaining what their wives wanted in maintenance support for their kids and what they were doing to make sure they didn’t get it.
I also listened to two solicitors barter over €20 a week, for 20 minutes, like it was €10,000. It nearly sent me away from the court forever.
Judges are not consistent
You have no idea if the judge will ask you a question or tell you what to think. My first day in court, the judge said 'If I was to ask your wife about your behaviour, what would she say?', and then he told my husband what he thought I would say. It was surreal. I was right there but still without a voice - the judge was inhabiting my life performance role.
When my locks were glued, the judge asked me what proof I had my husband had done it. Another judge created a safety in the home order that the gardaí could not serve because he removed the part about besetting the house.
Another judge expressed his discomfort about removing a man from his home at Christmas time and commented on the size of my house, asking ‘could you not just stay out of each other’s way?'..
You will have to leave your home
One judge was not in a mind to put a man out of his house in the mouth of Christmas, so instead I had to take my children and leave. That is the facts of it - you will have to leave.
You might eventually get the choice to have your home and your abuser out, but probably not at the start. Know that it is worth it. Get out and work it out later.
It is the hardest thing to come to terms with when escaping domestic violence - you have to actually leave. I left with three sets of clothes for the kids, deodorant toothpaste, towels and shower gel.
Looking back, I packed my swimming bag and added clothes. It was only better than not having a bag by one can of deodorant.
6) Don’t read Beauty and the Beast to your kids
My last piece of advice is stop believing in fairy tales. And start believing in your friends and family. When I told my friends what was happening me, three went out and cut keys to their homes.
They told me day or night use those keys. Come and go, be safe in our home if you are not safe in your own home.
Another friend called me every day just to check in. My cousin enrolled me in a virtual walking challenge and even though she was far away, we checked in our 5k together every day. Another friend took me swimming in lakes.
They are types of rescues you will not find in a story.
Beauty and the Beast teaches you that if you have a monster on your hands, love will transform them. That, I’m afraid, doesn’t happen. You can love a monster with your whole heart, but if they are abusive, dangerously paranoid, controlling, addicted to alcohol or drugs, love will not change them, and you deserve a safe life and so do your family.
No one is coming to rescue you if they don’t know what is happening. You have to rescue yourself. You have to climb down your own hair, you have to draw your own sword from the stone.
Get out, get help, and give yourself and your kids better lifelong outcomes with counselling to de-program them from living in an abusive home.
Good luck.
Women's Aid http://www.womensaid.ie/
Rape Crisis Network Ireland http://www.rcni.ie/
Samaritans http://www.samaritans.org
One In Four http://www.oneinfour.ie - support and resources for people who have experienced sexual abuse and/or sexual violence.
Cari http://www.cari.ie - a therapy and counselling services for children, families and groups who have been affected by sexual abuse.