You Can’t Be Serious

Bernie Comaskey

‘Some of my best friends are’, etc, etc. Whenever you hear that as an opening remark it is always followed by a ‘but’. The ‘but’ preambles a criticism of some section or group, and at its worst, this can be racist, homophobic, or sexist.

Anyway, my preface to this offering is to state that some of my best friends are dogs! Even as an adult, I have shed tears at the demise of a dog – and I only state this to show that I am not a dog hater.

But… I read in today’s paper that an Irishwoman has spent €20,000 and travelled 2,000 miles to obtain specialised veterinary treatment for her 12-year-old dog. Her money, her dog, her business, but…

I remember touching on this subject in a column a few years back, where I quoted that other great writer and philosopher, Confucius, who said, ‘people who like animals too much like people too little’.

First of all, we need to emphasise here that most people who like animals are really good, kind and caring people.

The trouble in today’s world is that huge numbers of people are substituting their affection for their pet as against engaging in relationships with the human animal. The dog is quite rightly lauded as ‘man’s best friend,’ but as my eccentric old uncle said one time when he didn’t want sympathy while straining not to show emotion for the heat-breaking loss of his faithful old madra; ‘he’s only a hoor of a dog!’

I wonder if it is just a coincidence that at a time when birth rates are falling in the western world, the dog population is spiralling upwards.

On a restaurant terrace in Spain recently, I noticed customers oohing and aahing over something at one of the tables… lots of baby talk, so I assumed the fuss was over somebody’s baby. The high baby chair was there alright – which obviously belonged to the restaurant. But seated in the chair was this little rat of a dog and its owner feeding it with a plastic spoon! It must have been a boy, because there was a blue ribbon and bow around its neck!

The dog is a descendant of the grey wolf and was domesticated about 23,000 years ago. They were used as watchdogs, for hunting and even fought alongside soldiers in battle. From there they were trained as rat catchers and eventually to herd cattle.

Different breeds evolved, or were specifically bred for a purpose. From the 17th century dogs became potent symbols of social status and the house dog was born.

That was then – this is now. There is a global trend for the ‘humanisation’ of dogs – if that isn’t overstating it a tad. Dog owners are treating them like family members and attributing human emotions and behaviour to the animal. In the UK, a poll of 2,000 cat and dog owners by Mypet.com discovered that 81% think of their pet as the love of their life and 41% see them as their child!

The dog grooming industry is booming beyond belief. It is now worth £450m a year in Britain and there is no reason to doubt a similar proportion in Ireland.

Your old mutt now feels entitled to spas and pet clubs and there are daycare and healthcare sessions available near you. So if you thought we were exaggerating about the humanisation of the madra… think again. Like humans, dogs are now being offered similar treats. There is dog ice cream, dog cookies and doggie crisps!

Your dog’s mental health is taken account of in this great new world of replacing two legged relationships with four.

The Royal Veterinary College says that one in 500 dogs is now on fluoxetine – a ‘doggy Prozac’.

I used often hear years ago that ‘13 is a dog’s hundred’. Whether or which, since they have been fully adopted into the family life of their human, dogs across the pond are living on average twice as long as they did 40 years ago.

The downside of all this for the poor dog is that they too are getting fatter. Half the canine population is now estimated to be overweight or obese.

Last word to the dog’s human. A survey by the Dogs Trust last year said that 98% of dog owners said it was their pets that made them happy. What’s this yer man, Confucius said again?

We cannot leave this topic without mentioning the happiest dog of all, the working dog. Dogs are meant to serve mankind, not be a part of the human race. Watch the happiness in the eyes of a sheep dog at work; a sniffer dog finding a stash of drugs, or a cadaver dog succeeding in his horrible but so necessary work. And what praise is great enough to describe the wonderful guide dogs. I imagine this group of dogs feels that the ones with the bow ties and waistcoats are giving the rest of them a bad name!

Don’t Forget

Another thing about trouble – you don’t have to get rid of the old ones to make room for the new ones.