A serious outbreak of deadly humour

The Bernie Comaskey ColumnThe story is told of a call received by the New York Emergency Services from an almost hysterical lady who had stumbled across a man lying prone on the footpath. "There is a guy on the ground and I think he's dead", she wailed into her phone. "Calm down ma'am, calm down please", came the soothing tones of the operator; "can you first make sure that the man lying on the street really is dead." BANG-BANG: As the operator hears gun-fire over the phone, the lady resumes with; "Ok, Operator, I've done as you've asked."!Of course that is most likely a tall tale, but read on and see some of the wit and black humour used as epitaphs on real gravestones. Remember, the following are all true. Some of the side-splitting epitaphs are accidental, but most are clever, cruel and well thought out. First a funny one by accident … or is it!? "Sacred to the memory of Major James Brush, who was killed by the accidental discharge of a pistol by his orderly: 14th April 1831: Well done thou good and faithful servant". One of my all time favourites; which the NRA should erect on billboards along our roads reads:"Here lies Samuel Jay, who died defending his right of way. He was in the right as he sped along, now he's just as dead as if he was wrong".Nowhere was life ever cheaper than out in the Old West and the frivolous nature of some of the epitaphs in Tombstone City reflect this fact. One like; "Here lies Lester Moore; four slugs from a forty-four; no less - no more."One which many of us learned going to school reads; "Come blooming youths, as you pass by, And on these lines do cast an eye; As you are now, so once was I; As I am now, so must you be; Prepare for death and follow me." In itself that one is not funny, until some wag wrote underneath: "To follow you I am content, but how do I know which way you went?"!Very often, as we have shown, the funniest epitaphs describe the manner of death of the victim - such as the one to New Yorker, Harry smith, which tells its own story: "Harry Edsel Smith: Born 1903 - Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was." More in similar vein: "Here lies the body of Jonathon Blake: Stepped on the gas instead of the brake." Nearer home, there is a headstone erected in Belturbet, which tells a sad story, with more than a hint of Cavan dead-pan humour. "Here lies the body of John Round, lost at sea and never found." Read that one again and think about it!Now I don't believe that any of us would like this inscription over our dearly deceased auntie, but some niece or nephew in California had the following life-story chiselled in stone: "Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte, born a virgin, died a harlot. For 16 years she kept her virginity, a damn'd long time for this vicinity." And now, dear reader, whilst you are still outraged by that last one - it gets worse! The following cruel epitaph marks the spot in a North Carolina cemetery where the spinster postmistress was laid to rest: "Returned - unopened." Sorry about that; I'm not making these things up - I just looked them up! One more which you will find it hard to believe is genuine - but it is. This is from a Streatham cemetery in the UK, evidently inscribed by a long-suffering husband: "Here lies Elizabeth, my wife of 47 years, and this is the first damn thing she ever done to oblige me." Oh dear …! Next we come to one in Nova Scotia, where someone had obviously been waiting even longer for the wake. "Here lies Ezekiel Aikle, age 102. The good die young." And yes, the sisters did have their say too. The wife of an adulterous husband had her revenge after his death with the immortal words on his tombstone telling the world; "Gone, but not forgiven."In Vermont cemetery in 1803 a headstone was erected over a fresh grave, with an inscription we think was more appropriately suited to the classifieds of the local newspaper. "Sacred to the memory of my husband, John Barnes. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife and yearns to be comforted."The wit in many famous epitaphs was linked to the trade or profession of the deceased. You can guess what Jededian Goodman worked at when I tell you his epitaph read; "Born 1828 - Going! Going!! Gone!!! 1876." Or Thomas Coffin: "Died 1842: He's done a-catching cod and gone to meet his God." I'll make the next one easy and tell you the guy had worked all his life as a waiter: "Here lies the body of Detlof Swenson. God finally caught his eye, April 10, 1902." An English lawyer received an excellent summing up on his headstone. "Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer and that is Strange." As a struggling coffee addict, the next one gives this column food for thought. "Here lies; cut down like unripe fruit, the wife of Deacon Amos Shute: She died of drinking too much coffee, Anny Domminy …eighteen forty."And on that concluding coffee scare, what epitaph would I like over myself in Killulagh? Don't think anything too risqué will get past Fr. Heaney … so maybe something along the lines of. "Beneath this spot, the Ber does lie; He never thought he was going to die. Got things wrong until the day he died, but he never gave up and always tried"!Don't Forget.Remember the hunter who climbed a fence carrying a loaded shot gun: He is survived by his wife, three children and one rabbit.