John Doe ‘isn’t well’

Here in Ireland you often have to be able to read between the lines when somebody is imparting a bit of bad news. How you will decipher the real story is by paying close attention to the tone with which the bulletin is delivered.

Hold that thought while we explain how the Lads deal with discussing real life and death situations at matches, the mart, outside the chapel and on the street. But the pub is the primary pulpit for announcing, not only the illness of an unfortunate associate, but the future prognosis of the said same subject.

It is the understatement, or sometimes the exaggeration of pertinent parts of the story that make it difficult for outsiders to grasp exactly how badly the patient is affected, hence the secret of paying attention to the tone. At its best, this is the unique Irish art of indirect communication, blending wit, politeness and storytelling instead of bluntly getting to the point.

The Lads like to finish off bad news with a ray of hope. ‘I hear that Johnny ‘Lazarus’ had the priest again last night… but ‘sher’ the next time that door over there opens, it will probably be him looking for a pint!’

‘Josie Mac took a bit of a turn at the bingo on Sunday night. Lucky for her the daughter, a nurse, was with her and brought her outside. Even luckier was the fact the Mrs O’Leary continued marking her bingo card and won a fiver for her!’

‘Terrible ‘yoke’ where that poor old fellow lost a leg out hunting down in Offaly last week… but everyone is delighted that there isn’t a mark on the other leg!’

The Lads all revel in a ‘scoop’, as in being first to report on some bit of misfortune befalling an unfortunate ‘poor scrut’. Timing, delivery, and, remember what we said about ‘tone’, are the essence of what makes the announcement stick.

Here again, the visiting English fisherman or the American back-packer won’t have a clue regarding the severity or otherwise of the bad news. They will likely take the wrong meaning when the man with the cap, known as ‘Moaner’ responds to ‘how are you Moaner’, with ‘I have a hoor of a dose’. The alert barmaid will explain quietly to the tourists that Moaner has ‘a touch of a cold’. Murphy’s ‘I’ve a dose of the shivers myself’ doesn’t raise as many eyebrows.

There will be talk about ‘randoms’ who were bad enough to have to go to hospital with a variety of ailments. And sure enough, ‘Mouse’ will retell the ‘Wally’ Daly story. Wally was admitted to hospital on account of being ‘badly run down’. During his stay he met Murphy, a big farmer from down the road. In the course of conversation a couple of days after being discharged, a neighbour asked Wally what was wrong with Murphy, to which came the famous reply; ‘the doctors said he was too fond of the pan’ – to which he added; ‘and I was there for the want of it!’.

But back to the Lads in the pub, by now in full voice discussing the health of the parish. Someone speaks up for a woman who is ‘having a bit of chemo’, but all agree that it worked for her last time and ‘there won’t be a bother on her’. ‘Moran’ the Dub knows a man on 51 tablets a day for something a lot worse and he has never missed a day from work over it.

All manner of illness, cures, quacks and ‘pisroges’ are by now thrown into the equation, until a diagnosis is announced for which there is no hope. ‘The Bully’ Scully had just come in for the last few health reports and it was evident that he had something critical to add to the discussion. He straightened up and his shoulders rose up another notch of their own accord. ‘Bully’ let his pint of Guinness settle, took two slugs of it, and wiped the foam from around his mouth with the back of his hand, before ‘sticking everybody to the stool’ with the news.

Silence had fallen because the gravity of his news was telegraphed through Bully’s demeanour. Then, in a tone usually reserved for undertakers, Bully announced: ‘Johnny Doe isn’t well.’ The Englishman, delaying the last two inches of his Bulmers didn’t get it. He assumed Johnny had a bit of a hangover or ate something that didn’t agree with him. Everyone else knew this was a death sentence and that poor Johnny would soon finish up like a… well, like a John Doe.

You see, in Ireland. You can recover from anything and everything other than being ‘not well’.

Don’t Forget

Dublin is the only county to have won more Leinster Senior Football titles than Westmeath this century!